Pivot tables cannot show text? That is pathetic

I have been a software developer for 5 years. I am pretty familiar with SQL and using pivot tables in it, and thought it would be a breeze to do so with Excel. I load my data into the sheet, format the pivot table, and in 2 minutes it looks 99% okay.

And then I see that my text fields have not been brought over properly. This was an obvious fix, or so I thought; I just had to change "Count" of values to instead be "Max" or "Min"...somehow, this didn't work.

So, 5 minutes in to my first Excel Pivot Table, things are looking almost great! The next 3.5 hours have not been so great 🙂

I have never in my life felt so physically frustrated or even DISTURBED at the thought that this SIMPLE task is impossible in MICROSOFT EXCEL. THE #1 known name and goto for data processing... 

and it CANT SHOW TEXT IN PIVOT TABLES

it's honestly kinda sad and makes the entire function feel useless. why would i want to see a table full of 0's or 1's? that's completely not **bleep**ing helpful.