Haven't been able to install any Windows Updates for like a year, same story now with 22H2

For the past year on my homebuilt computer (Gigabyte board, Ryzen 7 processor), every time I try to install a Windows Update it tells me it can't. Usually it's that error message about "not able to detect if you have enough free space" or whatever. I've tried all the troubleshooting steps I could find -- scannow/sfc, increasing my EFI partition, deleting the C:\Windows\SoftwareDistribution folder, registry hacks for ignoring TPM -- nothing works. All the hard drives in my system have PLENTY of free space.

Fast forward to the present: I wiped out my hard drive a few weeks back and performed a fresh install of Windows 11. I'm trying to update to 22H2 now and I'm back to where I started. Can't update through Windows Update (see top of screenshot -- "We couldn't install this update, but you can try again (0x80070001)"), can't update using an standalone full-installer ISO, can't update using a standalone cumulative-installer from Microsoft Update Catalog (see bottom-right of screenshot). Windows 11 clearly doesn't like my hardware or something, despite the fact that PC Health Check gives me the all-clear for Windows 11 compatibility.