Hi Richard,
Only one comment on the VMWare part of this. You say: "plus we can't be the only people in the world who work in this way"
I will tell you from my experience that I have seen several customers attempt to use VMWare to virtualize Exchange 2007. Every one I have talked to ran into performance problems that resulted in a largely unsuccessful deployment. Exchange 2007 is demanding enough on physical hardware; when you try to virtualize it, you are simply imposing additional bottlenecks.
That aside, to your issue:
To implement autodiscover you MUST have access to the external DNS zone that your users use for a primary SMTP address. You also needed to have access to this zone to receive inbound SMTP mail in the first place (MX record). You need to work within your oganization to get the necessary records added to that zone - OR - change the users primary smtp addresses.
To avoid having to aquire a new certificate, you can certainly use this DNS SRV record deployment technique but you will need to be able to add the _autodiscover._tcp record to the zone that corresponds to the users Primary SMTP address. At that point, you can simply point the service location to www.portal.com.
Hope this helps,
Brad